Gloria in Excelsis Deo

No, this is not the post where I tell you I have moved to New York, a city with the same population of Jews as Israel, to become a Roman Catholic.

I will however tell you about roaming the streets of the West Village with a Jersey woman who called herself 'Gloria'. Of course her real name was either Laurie Joe or Aurora. She was convinced I was Michelle Branch, undercover as a girl from Australia. My duet with Carlos Santana was her favourite of my songs. For some reason she was carrying two fishing rods, apparently this is a Jersey thing.



Turned out Gloria was a Jewish witch who had recently had a boob job. She wanted me to take a photo for her.



She wanted a glass of wine. We walked up 6th Avenue, and she launched into an 'all men are scum' speech, referencing Gene Simmons relationship with Cher. The fishing rods were becoming entangled in various tree branches and street signs and inspired myriad double entendres from passers by...

PASSER BY: "Caught anything today, honey?"

GLORIA: "Nothing big enough"

Gloria briefly became involved in a lover's triangle. She was taken by a 96 year old Pole called Tony, who had no front teeth. He was being walked by his nurse, Joan and Gloria decided they should marry before he hits 100. Unfortunately, when Tony discovered Gloria was single, he wanted to marry her instead.



We met her friend Tommy, a drunk who also happened to be Debbie Harry's hair stylist. He insisted we follow him to Julius, a 'classic gay bar in the village', and Gloria danced on a stool to Diana Ross.